mr bon jovi

happy birthday to you
mr jon bon jovi!

(photo from cakecentral dot com

nb your head is made of rice cereal treats)

in case you were wondering, jon,

i have been an appreciator of your work since 
nineteen ninety four

when 'always' was number two in the chart

and you looked like this

(and i looked like this)

i thought your song was lovely.
especially the bit about
'i'll be there till the stars don't shine
till the heavens burst and the words don't rhyme'

i threw the hat of the boy i liked over the playground wall
in to the building site next door that year.
that's what i knew about romance.
(sorry callum.)

anyway.
now that i'm older and wiser i realise that your song is maybe not 
quite so lovely.
 all that crying for you and dying for you 
that you promise to do might be a bit much.
especially if she's moved on and you're spying through the curtains.
creep.


people play 'always' at their weddings, jon,
they play 'always' at their funerals.
is that awkward for you if it's not what 'always' was meant for?


maybe they haven't seen the music video?
maybe they missed the part where the lady-faced philanderer  
streams some inappropriate almost-lovemaking with 
keri russell 
live in his living room 
and gets caught by his sexy burlesque dancing girlfriend
who throws a bag of groceries at them and runs down the street with no shoes on
until she finds a sensitive long-haired artist in a polo neck 
who gives her champagne
and paints her soul
and makes sweet sweet love to her in his minimalistic apartment 
until the lady-faced philanderer finds them 
and stabs the painting in the face 
and blows up the apartment 
and spends the rest of his life clutching at ghostly mirages of the sexy burlesque dancing girlfriend, 
his heart heavy with regret.


it's not much of a wedding song
when you look at it like that.
i'm still an appreciator though, jon.
many happy returns.

(please enjoy this fine showcase of nineties denim and gratuitous explosions.)